


Drowning

by flootzavut



Series: It Happened One Night [3]
Category: MASH (TV)
Genre: Angst, Bisexual BJ Hunnicutt, Bisexual Hawkeye Pierce, Bisexual Male Character, Drinking, Episode Related, Episode Tag, Episode: s04e01 Welcome to Korea, First Kiss, M/M, Mild Smut, Season/Series 04, Sharing a Bed, Swamp(y) Kisses, Thanks Brinn, The B Stands for Bisexual: The BJ Hunnicutt Story, minor infidelity, queer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-12
Updated: 2018-04-18
Packaged: 2019-04-22 02:51:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14299173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flootzavut/pseuds/flootzavut
Summary: "It's very possible Korea will chew him up and spit him out however it likes..."BJ arrives in Korea.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [onekisstotakewithme](https://archiveofourown.org/users/onekisstotakewithme/gifts), [brinnanza](https://archiveofourown.org/users/brinnanza/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Spirit and Flesh](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13820994) by [flootzavut](https://archiveofourown.org/users/flootzavut/pseuds/flootzavut). 



> Thanks to okttwm and Brinn for beta reading and generalised awesomeness ♥️
> 
> You don't have to read the other PoV for this one to make sense, but they are complementary.

* * *

_**Drowning**_

* * *

 

Kimpo isn't especially large, but it's noisy and busy, and everything and everyone that isn't brown is dull shades of green. BJ flinches when a jet flies overhead and wonders if he'll get used to this, or if he even wants to.

Would it be better to be able to take this in stride, or to cling to the anchor of family and home, to let his thoughts and feelings be forever in Mill Valley, to miss his family this sharply every second but at least know he'll be the same person when he goes back there? He's not even sure it's a choice he'll get to make; it's very possible Korea will chew him up and spit him out however it likes, regardless of what he decides.

The corporal who collects him seems nervous, which isn't encouraging. O'Reilly's chatter flows over him, and he hopes none of it is too important, because he's catching maybe one word in three.

"There's Cap'n Pierce now! Cap'n Pierce!" O'Reilly seems relieved to have someone to share the responsibility.

BJ's fellow officer is tall and capable looking, and BJ immediately feels safer, even after the rather cursory handshake he's offered. O'Reilly is so unsure of himself, and BJ's already overwhelmed. He needs a shot in the arm, some kind of reassurance it's possible to cope with this place, and O'Reilly doesn't exactly give off that impression.

Pierce has a quiet confidence about him, like he knows Korea can't throw anything at him he can't deal with, which is pretty much the opposite of how BJ feels. When Pierce moves, BJ follows him automatically, like a duckling who's imprinted on its mother, and they end up doing a little circle around the corporal. BJ feels like a fool when he realises what he just did, but while he's sure of very little right now, he's utterly certain he wants to stay close to this man.

"Things always this calm around here?" BJ's trying to keep his voice steady, but he's not sure how successful he is.

"It's the only war in town," Hawkeye says before turning to calm O'Reilly. "Radar. Radar. If you can keep your head while all about you are losing theirs, then you probably haven't checked with your answering service."

BJ can't help the grin. The mangled quote is the first thing since he arrived at Travis Air Force Base that's been at all familiar. "Rudyard Kipling," he supplies.

It's two simple words, but Pierce does a genuine double take, and BJ is oddly proud of himself for it, for finally finding a foothold in the conversation.

"Pierce, I'm just a little confused," he admits, when there's another chance to get a word in edgewise.

"Hawkeye," Pierce offers easily. "And don't let a little confusion throw you, Captain."

"BJ."

"One of the first things you learn over here, BJ, is that insanity is no worse than the common cold."

BJ's not sure if that's supposed to be reassuring.

He's so lost, but Pierce concludes his conversation with Radar by saying, "Let us welcome yon weary traveller with food and drink," and it's the best suggestion BJ's heard all day.

"Kipling?" O'Reilly asks, confused.

"Auto Club."

"Right."

Pierce - _Hawkeye_ \- doesn't seem easily fazed, even by the loss of their means of transport. And 'O Club' or not, BJ can't deny that right now he needs a stiff drink (or seven). "Hey, I really wouldn't want to get him into any trouble," he says, but it's not a convincing protest, and Hawkeye has a solution in hand before BJ can even blink.

He's pretty sure it won't work, that it'll take more than borrowed 'costume jewellery' to make Radar blend in, but he can't seem to say no, can't even want to; he's too busy processing the way Hawkeye invades his space and plucks the bars off his shoulder, easy and familiar. BJ is startled by the intimacy, startled more by how he doesn't object to it.

He may be a little spellbound.

Then Hawkeye starts to really talk, extracting facts from BJ with the ease of a magician, painting a picture of the war and the people, handling the bartender and a colonel without missing a beat, and BJ watches and listens with the wonder of a child.

When BJ backs him up on the corporal captain schtick, irresistibly caught in Hawkeye's gravity, Hawkeye looks both impressed and approving. BJ wonders if he should explain he's along for the ride, and Hawkeye's magnetism is such BJ can't seem to help following his lead, but decides letting Hawkeye believe he's just that quick-witted might be the better part of valour.

Between the drink and Hawkeye being Hawkeye, BJ feels better about the whole thing by the time he's paying their tab. Okay, and the way Hawkeye grins at him about poker doesn't hurt his spirits any. BJ has a suspicion he may get fleeced, but it's hard to care when Hawkeye's smiling at him like that.

Stealing a general's jeep is monumentally stupid, but BJ is too buzzed to be anything but amused. He starts to think this might not be so bad after all.

He's wrong.

The trip back to the 4077th is an extended nightmare. Fooling MPs is one thing, but the horror of a man using his daughters as minesweepers makes BJ think of Erin and feel sick, then somehow it contrives to get worse. BJ knew he wasn't ready for this, but if he'd known how not ready he was, he would've done anything to get out of it. He is  _drowning_.

He's so glad Hawkeye's with them. Radar's a nice kid, and he's damn courageous, but it's Hawkeye BJ finds himself looking to and not-quite-literally clinging to. A life-preserver in olive drab and snark.

BJ learns a lot on that journey. He learns about fear. He learns what abject poverty looks like. He learns that some soldiers are beyond help. He learns what it's like to fall down on the battlefield, to puke his guts out, to be ashamed and embarrassed in front of someone he was desperate to impress, and have that same someone reach out a hand without judgement to help him up.

He discovers it takes no time at all to trust and rely on this man when the enemy is lobbing bombs at them. He finds out Hawkeye is brave and angry and skilled and, to his surprise, kind. He feels the first tendrils of a bond he knows instinctively is going to change his life.

And then he learns that it's a lot easier to cope with it all when he's so drunk he can barely stand and everything is riotously funny.


	2. Chapter 2

Baiting Burns is probably foolish, but it's irresistible, and BJ would already do anything to make Hawkeye laugh - which he does, helpless, delighted, delightful laughter. BJ doesn't hear a word of Frank's lecture, and when Hawkeye scoops him up and half-carries him from the scene of the crime, BJ looks up at him and thinks,  _I'd follow you anywhere_.

It's a thought that should probably alarm BJ more than it does.

Seeing his new quarters (more olive drab, dreary as a wasteland) is a bit sobering. He sits down on what's evidently Hawkeye's cot, because all he can really keep hold of between the horror of his day and the alcohol in his veins is  _stay near Hawkeye_.

Hawkeye sits down beside him. "You okay?"

BJ nods, even though he's really not. After a moment's consideration, he rethinks things and shakes his head. It's no use pretending everything -  _anything_  - is all right. "No, I'm not okay," he manages. "I'm thousands of miles from home, I miss my wife, I miss my baby girl, I'm completely out of my depth, and all I have is you."  _Make it better, make it better, make it better_. It's probably not fair to lay all this on Hawkeye, but BJ doesn't know what else to do. He doesn't have anyone else.

"Oh." Hawkeye frowns, but not in an angry way. It's more as if he's struggling to process the emotions BJ's spilling on him. He's trying, though, which is more than BJ hoped for. Then, to BJ's surprise, Hawkeye puts a hand on his face, solid and warm. "Kid, you're gonna be just fine. I promise."

Hawkeye's tone is reassuring; BJ almost believes him. Hawkeye's fingers on his cheek are like an anchor, and it takes everything he has not to pitch forward and collapse into Hawkeye's arms. That would be foolish, although BJ's common sense is fighting a losing battle with his instinct to grab on hard and not let go.

They stare at one another for a long moment. BJ has no idea what's going on in Hawkeye's head. He's too tired and too scared and too everything to even guess - he barely knows what's going on in his own. Hawkeye looks at him, really looks, and BJ will drown in that sea of blue if he isn't careful.  _You have nice eyes_ , he thinks but doesn't say.  _My wife has pretty eyes, too. You'd like her. She'd like you. I know she would because I do_.

Hawkeye brushes a thumb along BJ's cheekbone, and what the hell was that? (And BJ's breath hitches in his chest and he hopes Hawkeye didn't notice. If they weren't in the middle of an army camp - if BJ weren't, you know,  _married_  - it's something he'd want to follow up on.)

"Need another belt?" Hawkeye asks, voice pitched low.

It takes BJ a second to get past the tone and hear the actual words, and he doesn't know if he's relieved or not that it's an apparently innocent offer of more alcohol. "Uh, yeah." It's probably exactly the wrong thing to add to this situation, but BJ needs a good eight hours of sleep before he's willing to be sober again. Tomorrow he'll start figuring out how to navigate this nightmare without the cushion of alcohol. Today, he'll do his best to dissolve his brain.

He almost changes his mind when Hawkeye gets up and totters away - he's not sure booze is a good substitute for Hawkeye being close enough to share body heat - but it turns out Hawkeye is just crossing to the side of the tent, to a contraption BJ doesn't quite understand.

"Martini?" Hawkeye asks.

"You have gin?" BJ doesn't ask about the vermouth. He figures a Martini in this situation means gin that maybe once saw a bottle of wine from a great distance sometime in its youth.

"No," says Hawkeye, grinning widely over his shoulder, "we have the next thing up from lighter fluid, but it works."

Comprehension dawns; the tangle of pipes is a still. BJ gingerly accepts his glass and gives his liver a preemptive apology. Judging by the smell, Hawkeye's comment about lighter fluid was more honest than humorous.

The first taste is even worse. "Good God, what did you distil this from, pure evil?"

Hawkeye laughs again, uproariously, eyes sparkling; BJ thinks that laugh might almost make this place bearable.

"It's flavoured with essence of Frank Burns," Hawkeye says when he can speak again.

"That explains a lot." BJ takes another sip. "Does it get better or did my taste buds just commit suicide?"

"Bit of both," Hawkeye says with another wry grin.

BJ can drink to that. And drink they do.

When Hawkeye refills their glasses, he sits down a little further from BJ on the cot. BJ should probably take the hint and let Hawkeye draw back, but 'should' is taking a beating. He shuffles in close. Hawkeye cocks an eyebrow and chuckles, but doesn't protest, pressing his shoulder against BJ's as if he's finding as much comfort in the contact as BJ is.

They raise their glasses again, and keep on raising them. BJ's drinking arm is gonna get plenty of exercise here.

He's pretty sure he's pushing his body beyond any reasonable limit for alcohol consumption. He's drunk more already today than in the last month at least, and he's going to suffer for it, but they drink like it's their job, like it's what they're here to do. It's possible, if today is anything to go by, that the risk of alcohol poisoning is outweighed by the need to numb oneself to the horror.

BJ loses count of the refills, and he stops worrying about leaning on Hawkeye when he realises Hawkeye is leaning on him almost as heavily. They're holding each other up, and something about that makes the last of BJ's defences crumble into dust.

"Hawkeye?"

"Yeah?"

"How am I gonna get through this?"

Hawkeye sighs and budges his shoulder into BJ's again. "One day at a time," he murmurs. The way he says it makes BJ wonder if Hawkeye ever usually admits out loud how much of a toll this place must be taking on him after all the time he's been here. "Sometimes one hour at a time."

BJ's not sure if he's reassured or not. "I feel like I've been here for months, not just one day."

Hawkeye leans in close and rests a hand on BJ's knee. (BJ swallows hard.) "Hey, kid. You'll be okay," Hawkeye says, low and warm. "You'll be all right. You have me, remember?"

BJ looks away and downs the last of his gin. "I feel as if home is just someplace I imagined to keep me going," he admits, hating himself for voicing it even though in this moment, it's painfully true. He's not sure he can even remember Peg or Erin's faces, and the thought terrifies him.  _It's the alcohol and the journey_ , he tells himself, and hopes he's right.  _You have pictures. You won't forget_.

He has Hawkeye, but that's it. Hawkeye is everything he has in this place. It's comforting and terrifying at the same time. Home is a million miles away and Korea is all that exists here and now, so if all he has here is Hawkeye, does that mean Hawkeye is all he has in the world? And does that make it okay that BJ wants to hold Hawkeye as tightly and as close as he can?

He's far too drunk for this.

In his peripheral vision, he can see Hawkeye watching him with a mixture of confusion and curiosity and what BJ thinks (hopes?) is desire.

BJ's had much too much to drink, he knows that, he knows he should go to his own cot. He should move away from Hawkeye's side, he should keep his distance, he should do a lot of things, but he just...  _can't_. He doesn't have anything else to hold on to, and he  _wants_. 'Should' be damned.

Then Hawkeye takes the empty glass from him and cups his face, so gently, and coaxes him into looking up. BJ is too surprised to resist.

"It'll be okay," Hawkeye says. "I've got you. I'll take care of you."

BJ blinks. It's more than reassurance. It seems almost like a promise. It feels... it feels important, like it means something.

"Okay?" Hawkeye prompts.

BJ nods. "Okay."

"Good."

Hawkeye's searching BJ's face again, like BJ's a puzzle he can't work out but badly wants to. He strokes his thumb over BJ's lip, slow and tender, and his eyes follow his touch.

BJ gulps. Is what's happening here what he thinks (hopes, definitely hopes) is happening? Hawkeye stares at him in a way that sends sparks of nerves and fear and need through him. He kind of thought everyone here would be straighter than straight (it is the army, after all); admittedly it's been a while since BJ tried to decipher those signals even on a woman, but he can't ever recall a straight guy looking at his mouth so... covetously. He licks his lips, anxious and aroused, then his insides do a somersault when Hawkeye takes a sharp breath and moves closer.

Hawkeye is the only thing that seems real. BJ leans even further into his space and wills Hawkeye to kiss him. He can't, won't initiate anything, but he badly wants to be kissed and desperately wants Hawkeye to be the one to oblige. It makes no sense, he shouldn't want this, but he does, he can't  _not_.

He wants to touch this man everywhere, and he's not even sure why. Whether to prove he's alive or because Hawkeye's the best thing he's seen since he left home, or just because Hawkeye is Hawkeye and BJ already likes him far too much.

BJ's willing it to happen, but he still can't believe it when Hawkeye closes the last inch or two and kisses him. For a moment he's startled, gasping in surprise, then he's caught up in it and can't  _think_.

Kissing Hawkeye makes the need worse, not better - makes it sharp and almost painful, the desire and the homesickness and want and missing all tangled up until he can't tell what hurts most. BJ  _wants_ , wants so badly; he presses in, licks Hawkeye's lip, coaxes Hawkeye's tongue into his mouth and moans with the pleasure and the ache of it.  _God_.

Hawkeye pulls him closer and kisses him like their lives depend on it, and all BJ can think is  _yes, God, yes_. It's as if the whole day has been leading up to this, the silliness and the tragedy and the drunkenness and the honesty. BJ's laid bare and can do nothing except kiss and kiss and kiss Hawkeye until they're both shuddering and breathless.

BJ finally pulls back, panting. Hawkeye follows his mouth and lets out a needy whine of protest, then opens his eyes. He blinks a few times, and he looks so put out that BJ can't help laughing.

After a moment, Hawkeye laughs too, and BJ is already addicted to that laugh, and then they're kissing again, riotous and joyful, and he loses track of time. Hawkeye grabs on as if he's the one who's drowning, holds BJ like a life-preserver, and BJ still isn't sure of, well... anything, but holding on to Hawkeye is the thing that makes the most sense right now. The only thing all day that's made sense is to stay close to Hawkeye, to be near to him, and kissing him is the only thing since BJ arrived in Korea that doesn't feel like he took a wrong turn and landed in hell.

They end up sprawled on Hawkeye's cot, Hawkeye mouthing his way down BJ's throat like he's laying claim to it. BJ shivers and tangles his hand in Hawkeye's hair, silently begging him to keep going.

Somewhere in BJ's mind he's trying to convince himself he shouldn't be doing this, but it all seems so right, so... familiar. Somehow there's a little bit of home here in Korea, and that's not something BJ wants to draw back from. He's not even sure he can. He doesn't want to stop, he wants Hawkeye's mouth everywhere.

It's overwhelming.

Hawkeye finds the spot at the corner of BJ's jaw that makes him squirm uncontrollably, and oh God, he's so screwed, and it's so good. Hawkeye's laughter rumbling against his skin makes it even better. Then Hawkeye tugs BJ's shirt out of his pants and slides his fingers up BJ's back, greedy and wanting, and BJ makes a noise he didn't know he was capable of, a strange combination of need, pain and relief, of missing home and being so glad not to be alone here, of not knowing what to do with himself, of being sure that throwing himself at Hawkeye is the only thing that makes any kind of sense anymore. He can't think. He can't refuse. He doesn't even want to. The only thing he's sure of is that he wants. He'll figure out the rest tomorrow.


	3. Chapter 3

BJ wakes feeling heavy and satisfied, warm arms wound around his waist, blurry but pleasant memories of kissing the guy whose bed he's in making him smile. He protests when the man (Hawkeye, he said his name was Hawkeye) pulls away. It doesn't take much, Hawkeye doesn't seem all that invested in extricating himself, and BJ slides a hand into his hair and pulls him into another kiss, and  _God_ , Hawkeye is such a good kisser, and BJ could do this all day.

There's a vague niggle in the back of his mind that he has stuff to do, so he can't give in to the temptation of pushing Hawkeye back into the mattress and climbing on top, and he pulls out of the kiss much more quickly than he actually wants to. He blinks his eyes open, and there's Hawkeye, blue eyes and black hair and such an expressive face (he's still gorgeous), and Hawkeye looks... beyond startled.

It takes another moment for reality to sink in, for his brain to shake off the worst of the hangover and put the pieces together. He's no longer a Junior in college conducting discreet experimentation, he's a married man with a kid, he's a doctor, he's in  _Korea_ , and Hawkeye is an officer and- God, he's the Chief Surgeon, and this is not the kind of experiment the army approves of, and shit, shit,  _shit_. "Oh God. I - oh, God."

"Hey, fella, it's okay," Hawkeye says, softly but firmly. "Even if I wanted to, which I don't, it's not like I could rat you out without implicating myself. Breathe. It's all right."

Just like yesterday, BJ can't see how  _any_  of this is okay.

Hawkeye grabs his chin. For a second, BJ thinks Hawkeye will kiss him again, and he's taken aback by how much the idea still appeals even though reality has kicked in. "It's okay," Hawkeye says, "I promise. I'm on your side here."

BJ blinks. Does Hawkeye mean...? He's caught between relief, and fear that he's misunderstood. He searches Hawkeye's face for clues, but his head is fuzzy. He wants to believe Hawkeye means...  _that_ , but is that something you admit to a guy you've known less than twenty four hours?

 _I just did_. But it's not really the same. It's not like he knew where he was when he pulled Hawkeye close and- God, he needs to stop thinking about Hawkeye's mouth.

"Oh," he says. If he had any emotion left over from fear, he might be embarrassed by how small and unsure his voice sounds.

Hawkeye pats his arm. "People do stupid things when there's booze involved," he says, smiling warmly, eyes twinkling. "Not that I regret it, but I understand why you might never want to speak of it again."

It takes a moment for Hawkeye's second sentence to sink in, then there's the relief. So much relief. BJ's not certain which he's most glad about, the fact Hawkeye evidently isn't straight, that someone here understands, or that Hawkeye doesn't seem to think of last night as entirely a drunken mistake. It's potentially awkward, but at least BJ hasn't completely torpedoed their friendship, and there's a weird sort of comfort in the idea he wasn't alone in enjoying it.

Hawkeye doesn't need to know just how much BJ wishes he could stage a repeat performance without being racked with guilt. He wants to kiss Hawkeye again, wants it with shocking intensity. It was one thing last night, so drunk the alcohol was practically sloshing out of his ears, so tired and so terrified. That... well, okay, a lot of people would still think BJ wanting to kiss another man was strange or wrong or downright repulsive, but for BJ, that was absolutely explicable.

Still wanting to this morning? That's harder to ignore.

"Okay," he manages. "Thanks."

"We were drunk and scared," Hawkeye says. (BJ hopes he isn't saying that was all it was.) "I'm not gonna tell anyone. I doubt you will either, right? We stick together here. You and I just have... another reason to have each other's backs. Okay?"

BJ lets out a long breath. He's glad Hawkeye's on his side, confused how Hawkeye feels about him, and still so tired. "Okay." He shakes his head. "It kinda feels like I screwed up before I even started," he admits.

"Are you kidding?" Hawkeye asks incredulously. "You had a hell of a day yesterday, but you got through it, then you called Frank 'Ferret Face'-" he gestures wildly "-listen, you did  _great_."

BJ grimaces. "Then I drunkenly made out with my brand new colleague."

"That was just a bonus," Hawkeye shoots back, giving BJ a coy look and a wildly exaggerated eyebrow waggle.

It's too much, too silly, too funny. BJ bursts out laughing and can't stop. The laughter is relief and hope and a strange kind of excitement; nothing can come of it, but Hawkeye likes him. Hawkeye  _likes_  him. It was real. All that desire and want and heat wasn't in BJ's imagination.

After all, Hawkeye kissed him. Sure, BJ was shamelessly invading Hawkeye's space, but it was Hawkeye who touched his lip, who closed the distance between them. It was Hawkeye who kissed him, who pulled him down onto the bed, who wrapped himself around BJ and stroked his skin and made him feel...

He'd be disappointed if Hawkeye were having second thoughts. It's foolish how much he cares, but it would be more foolish if he lied to himself about it.

It's really not just him. And for some reason, that makes BJ laugh even more.

He tucks the startling, dangerous,  _wonderful_  notion that Hawkeye Pierce is genuinely attracted to him into the back of his mind for perusal at a more private moment.

"So we're okay?" he asks, once he's managed to stop giggling and get his breath back.

"We're very okay," says Hawkeye, warm and sincere.

BJ doesn't know how he lucked out to end up finding such an ally within twenty four hours of setting foot in this country, but he's incredibly grateful. "Thank God for that," he breathes.

They look at each other. Neither of them speaks.

BJ knows he should move, should get out of what's left of his dress uniform and into something clean, and above all shouldn't be lying here staring at this riddle of a man, shouldn't be remembering what it's like to kiss him, the taste of his mouth and the feel of his body, shouldn't be wondering what it would be like to do it all again now they're both sober.

It doesn't help at all that Hawkeye is looking at BJ in very much the same way, studying his face, eyes lingering on his mouth. BJ would swear he can feel Hawkeye's gaze on his skin, trailing over his features, sliding luxuriantly over his bottom lip, and he wants so badly to make it real.

He could kiss Hawkeye right now, he could so easily pick up right where they left off. He could suggest they share the shower they both desperately need. He could reach out and touch, could pull their bodies together and give them both release. It would be so easy.

But he won't. For so many reasons, but mostly because he loves Peggy. Deliberately hurting her is unfathomable. However attracted he is to Hawkeye, Peg is... everything. So he doesn't move away and he doesn't lean in close, and they continue to look at one another, so near yet so far, and it's strange and torturous and irresistible, and BJ doesn't know what to make of it. Hawkeye skims his fingertips gently over BJ's cheek, the lightest touch, and BJ feels it down to his toenails, and what  _is_  this?

Eventually, after a long, charged silence (BJ doesn't have a clue how long they've been lying here staring at each other), Hawkeye opens his mouth to speak. BJ holds his breath; he has no idea whatsoever what Hawkeye will say.

He never gets the chance to find out.

_"Attention, attention, all personnel, incoming wounded. All surgical teams report to OR on the double."_

Hawkeye rolls his eyes. "Saved by the bell," he says with a crooked grin.

BJ lets out the breath he was holding in one long sigh. "Time to earn my keep."

Hawkeye helps him up, then grabs something from his footlocker, turns, and strides to the door, and the instantaneous switch into work mode leaves BJ gaping.

God, how is he ever going to cope with this place? He hasn't a clue what's waiting for him in the OR, and after the things he saw yesterday, the idea fills him with horror. He can't, he really  _can't_  do this job.

Hawkeye's suddenly in his space again, grabbing his shoulders. "BJ? You okay?"

The contact lets BJ breathe again. "I'm not ready for this," he confesses, shaking his head.

Hawkeye slips a hand up to cup BJ's jaw; it's almost alarming how much better BJ feels for that simple touch. "No one's ever ready for this," Hawkeye murmurs.

BJ wants to lean in, let his head drop onto Hawkeye's shoulder, share some of the weight. Drown in Hawkeye rather than in his own fear. "Is that supposed to make me feel better?" he asks instead.

Hawkeye shrugs a shoulder. "Well, at least you know everyone else feels the same."

BJ thinks about that for a second. "Huh." It... sort of helps. "Thank you. I think."

"I've got your back, okay?"

BJ's barely had time to blink, let alone say anything in response, when Hawk dips in and drops another kiss on BJ's mouth. It's brief, chaste, and makes BJ's heart thud alarmingly hard. Damn Hawkeye for being so attractive.

"What was that for?" BJ asks around startled laughter.

"Luck," Hawkeye tells him with an impish grin BJ takes to mean it was just what it seemed like, an excuse to kiss BJ again. BJ can't help but laugh more. He's surprisingly (not to say worryingly) okay with that, and this time when Hawkeye tugs on his sleeve, he follows.

For now he has to concentrate on the job, but he has a hell of a lot to think about.

Here's the thing: BJ really likes this guy. And not just as someone he (still) wants to kiss.

_~ fin ~_


End file.
